As we prepare to enter the eighth generation of gaming consoles with a waning economy and a previous generation built almost entirely around motion controls and shitty gimmicks it’s arguable, depending on how you see a half-glass of water, that the video game market is doomed to crash again. In 1983 the market for video games became inundated with loads of worthless crap and consumers literally gave up on caring. After letdown after letdown from Atari due to the likes of E.T. and their Pac-Man port alongside the dubious quality and massive quantities of competitor consoles and shady third-party software consumers just said “to hell with it” and Atari ended up burying their trash in a New Mexico landfill.
Not pictured: Kinect, PS Move, 95% of the games for the Wii.
Having to cower away and bury your trash in the ground is about as ultimately defeated as you can get. Nobody even does that anymore these days, but they should (on principle, we can be less environmentally destructive than that today). What’s so different about Americans from the 80′s compared to today that prevents them from saying “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore“? Why is it that something as deceptively simple as a small handful of trashy games from a leading video game company can cause a market crash in the eighties yet in today’s world Nintendo has free rein to greenlight more trashy shovelware than we have trucks to carry it all to an unsuspecting landfill? WHY?
The Wii may be the gold standard in ninth-rate garbage “video games” but their portfolio of shame is nothing compared to these five current business practices that are destroying the market and in some abstract form have got to be some kind of illegal.
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Earlier this week I checked my mail to see if the disc for the newest season of [Hip Show for Hip People] had arrived from Netflix. Spoiler alert, it did not, but I still had mail nonetheless in the form of a suspiciously thick padded envelope. At first I thought some dang dirty trolls decided to send me Pampers samples again but when I looked at the mailer and saw it branded with American Indian imagery my thoughts immediately shifted from “regular diapers” to “tee-pees for your pee-pees”. As it turns out someone managed to get a hold of my personal information and sold it to someone else and I was now receiving IRL spam because of it… so I had to find the nearest calendar to make sure I didn’t get sent back in time to the nineties and be forced to find a way back.
The last time that happened I… well, let’s just say there’s a reason why MC Hammer suspiciously spent all of his money.
It says "Robert Maestro" under the red shit, okay?
Wait a second does that say “3 FREE GIFTS” with a “4″ written next to it as if the “3″ were a completely unintentional mistake at the St. Joseph’s Indian Free Gifts Factory? Holy shit. It does.
WELL SHIT THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
I tore this bad boy open and they must have really screwed the pooch at the Wannamakeanike tribe homeland because I got not 3, not 4, but 8 goddamn prizes (of varying quality) and I love prizes.
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Cogito ergo sum is a Latin phrase that means “I write, therefore I’m broke”. Writing is about the only thing you can be good at and never make a dime doing it unless you’re incredibly lucky or simply know how to “play the game”.
What is this “the game” you might ask? Hell if I know. Maybe it’s softball; maybe it’s shuffleboard. Maybe it’s solo synchronized swimming. There is no surefire way to learn “the game” but there are a hell of a lot of places out there that want you to believe that you can do it and make a zillion bucks a day and that it’s a legitimate business. To an extent it is a legit field of work but there’s a big secret behind the charade that everybody who is telling you how to make money online and be successful doesn’t want to actually tell you. It’s the secret to playing “the game”, like knowing when to tilt a pinball machine or knowing exactly where all of the hidden 1UP’s are in Super Mario Bros. Yes, I will tempt fate and the angry fat fingers of dozens of successful “making money online” moguls and reveal their big secret (hint: it’s at the end of the article). Honestly, though, I don’t care if I piss them off; what are they going to do to me, shoot me with money?
Ha. Money shot. GatorAIDS: Classy high-brow humor since 2009.
But first, here’s some debunking of their “popular advice”:
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