Earlier this week I checked my mail to see if the disc for the newest season of [Hip Show for Hip People] had arrived from Netflix. Spoiler alert, it did not, but I still had mail nonetheless in the form of a suspiciously thick padded envelope. At first I thought some dang dirty trolls decided to send me Pampers samples again but when I looked at the mailer and saw it branded with American Indian imagery my thoughts immediately shifted from “regular diapers” to “tee-pees for your pee-pees”. As it turns out someone managed to get a hold of my personal information and sold it to someone else and I was now receiving IRL spam because of it… so I had to find the nearest calendar to make sure I didn’t get sent back in time to the nineties and be forced to find a way back.
The last time that happened I… well, let’s just say there’s a reason why MC Hammer suspiciously spent all of his money.
It says "Robert Maestro" under the red shit, okay?
Wait a second does that say “3 FREE GIFTS” with a “4″ written next to it as if the “3″ were a completely unintentional mistake at the St. Joseph’s Indian Free Gifts Factory? Holy shit. It does.
WELL SHIT THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
I tore this bad boy open and they must have really screwed the pooch at the Wannamakeanike tribe homeland because I got not 3, not 4, but 8 goddamn prizes (of varying quality) and I love prizes.
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Recently (as in last night) I decided to e-mail Westboro Baptist Church, requesting an interview with them for my “middle school class,” claiming that I would put the answers in my “Christian podcast.” Maybe my sarcastic tone drifts throughout the digital world like it does in the real world (Huh? What’s that? All I know is my internet.) or maybe these guys just don’t trust anyone and have some kind of disorder that puts them in a constantly angry mood. Whatever the case is, I knew without a doubt that I’d be getting a funny reply, because after all, this IS Westboro Baptist Church. So without further adieu, here is my *still expanding* e-mail conversation with Westboro’s buffoons.
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No, I’m not about to rip into the (many) problems with the modern-day era of Pokemon. As much as I’d like to do that I don’t even know enough about Gold/Silver/Crystal to even begin to fabricate an argument higher in thought than “it sucks pretty bad”. This article is about a peculiar video of the same name, specifically the November 30th, 1999 episode of the show In Focus, a religiously charged broadcast that airs on WVCY TV30 in Wisconsin. This shoddy public access tape traveled all the way from Wisconsin down to the bowels of South Texas to meet me, like a stroke of destiny, in a Goodwill store. I always lurk the VHS section of any second-hand store because I have a knack for the awkwardly cringeworthy and that’s simply the place for the best pickins. Nestled in between a copy of The Land Before Time 45,713 and Popeye cartoons in Spanish lied this VHS – a simple black tape with a homemade type-written label reading “THE PROBLEM WITH POKEMON”. I bought it with a smile on my face knowing this would be superb, and it was.
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