Airport security. It’s only ever a problem if you look like someone who would blow up a plane or do something stupid in an airport. For every exaggerated story you hear of a 90-year-old woman being anally fisted by a TSA worker with a superiority complex there’s several thousand inspections where the only conversational exchange is “Please step through the detector. Thank you, enjoy your flight.” Airport security isn’t the worst thing about flying, in fact walking past a row of apathetic and self-hating people of various heights and weights is almost like walking through a carnival house of mirrors in a sense. The worst thing about flying? Fucking SkyMall.
GOD. DAMN. IT.
There’s a copy of a SkyMall catalog sitting in the seat pouch of every seat on every plane in the United States. Seriously. SkyMall’s pages are full of bullshit so inane the only way they ever make any money is by boring you to fucking death. When you’re in the middle of a three-hour flight the only way to waste time is to dare a conversation with the person sitting next to you, tamper with the smoke detector in the bathroom, or read the magazines sitting in the pouch in front of you. The in-flight proprietary magazine is always crap and all of the articles are about places you’ll never visit or musicians you introspectively correct yourself on because you thought they died a decade ago. That leaves SkyMall, and the only way a 7-way car charger would ever look enticing is if the only other available option for entertainment involved jumping out of a moving plane.
After one SkyMall-enhanced flight too many I realized I had enough. No more SkyMall. I found myself cynically bashing and berating every product in the magazine while sniveling and coloring peoples’ eyes in. And then I had an epiphany. I should make fun of this shit online.
Although the competition today is a shell of its former glory, at one point in time BattleBots was sitting pretty as one of the highest rated series on television and touted a five-season show, seven officially sanctioned events in the span of 4 years, two video games (that were terrible), and an entire line of merchandising ranging from wind-up toys to keychains to radio controlled replicas of popular contenders. BattleBots was IT. It was the “in thing” to do, and it honestly was something that was only possible at the turn of the millennium; it was the pinnacle of technological and mechanical advancement and entertainment, the first completely contained (sort of) bloodsport. Megarace envisioned.
Spoiler: The one flying through the air lost.
In the five seasons of BattleBots aired on Comedy Central there were a number of fights showcased that were laughably and ridiculously in favor of one of the competitors for a myriad of reasons. Maybe their opponent was built out of tin foil. Maybe they were broken from a previous fight. Whatever the reason in between nail-biting back and forth bouts between the series’ heavy-hitters there were always some fights in the mix that stuck out like a sore thumb. These are the seven most one-sided battles in the [televised] history of the sport.
Merry Christmas from me and everyone at GatorAIDS. Or whatever. Surely that’s what I’m supposed to say on an update that goes up December 25th.
Proving that we exist solely to do nothing more than rip on Miniclip I’ll start this brief introduction off by pointing out that Miniclip’s mascot, a caricature of the CEO they affectionately call “Big Rob”, is the scariest fucking mascot in the history of global marketing. Seriously, just look at their fucking Christmas video. I bet you squirted a little in your pants, and not in a sexual way. That THING is horrifying. How a custom costume like that can be produced and not one person going “well now this is just pants-shittingly terrifying” boggles my fucking mind.
That voice. That… FACE. Big Rob rivals the kinds of crazy shit seen in Japanese horror films and surely once Miniclip has had enough of GatorAIDS collectively bashing them that creepy blood-soaked grin on Big Rob’s face will be the last thing me, Dracophile, Payton, or anyone else will ever see.
So, in true Christmas spirit I stole Miniclip’s Christmas video and remixed it into Roastmaster’s X-Mas Special. Enjoy the nightmare.
WARNING: This article contains suggestive images and/or pictures of sex toys. The images are not explicitly pornographic but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.
Ask anybody what the best part of Christmas is and they will unanimously tell you “the presents”. Yes, there is nothing quite like getting a bunch of boxes of either completely useless items or something incredibly awesome. Most people are pretty easy to shop for. Kids, for example, will eat up anything (literally) with small parts or dinosaurs. All dads like socks and ties, all moms want a Snuggie, guidos want spray tan (yes even in December), and drug addicts want their next hit.
But what about furries?
ScotchGuard. Lots... and lots... of ScotchGuard.
Furries can be notoriously hard to shop for. After all, what exactly are you supposed to get someone whose hobbies include masturbating to The Secret of Nimh and dressing up like a fox? DVD’s, art supplies, and comic books? Joke’s on you because they probably already have all that. If you’re shopping for a furry then you have to think creatively and outside of the box. It is a medical fact that all furries are clinically insane, so here’s five Christmas gift ideas (poorly timed and posted on December 25th), that you can take to heart for the special furfag in your life.
GatorAIDS has been lacking in new content for over a month now, so I’ve taken it upon myself (you’re welcome )to compile a short video of clips for your utmost enjoyment. The title of this special is A Day in the Life, and it chronicles an abridged ten minutes of Ron Rondon’s Saturday afternoon. The composition of the clips was designed in such a way that it attempts to emulate the aura of spending a day with R.R. and his friends … but it hardly comes close.
I can see from the WordPress administrator panel that Dracophile has at least four recent drafts, none of them edited since the morning of October 13th, a day where the website was closed and when it re-opened this article was posted. I don’t know how to properly console people, and even though I peppered in some jokes to the memorial article (while it was being written) the question is still asked, “Is it okay for us to laugh again?” I can’t tell you when Dracophile will be back to finish any of his drafts, last I heard from him he was having sleep issues and still trying to collect himself from the news, but I can answer the question on everybody’s minds:
Yes, it is okay to laugh again.
At the end of last month I penned an article that took a look at 20 of the most insane things to ever come from the mouth of @Horse_ebooks, a Twitter robot that padded its spam links with the most bizarre and nonsensical crap anybody has ever heard so their equine ebook pyramid scheme wouldn’t get picked up on Twitter’s radar. Reading @Horse_ebooks’ tweets is like reading spam email subject lines that were translated from English to Japanese and back and written by a retarded kid. I presented you with 20 of the weirdest that I could find, you asked for more, so here’s another serving of crazy. The first is below, click “More” to see another 19.
What kind of threat is this? A wife scolding her redneck husband for getting drunk and blowing their pension on shit from these people?
Here at GatorAIDS we focus a lot on the awful things in life from a cynical standpoint that paints them hilarious. We make fun of a lot of people, places, and products — all at their expense. Yeah, some of it is in good faith (when it’s not deserved ridicule) but overall we tend to broadcast an air of flamboyant disregard for the status quo. That’s why it’s always weird when we take a step back and have a “sit down” article with you all. It’s not our usual image. We’re loud, we’re generally angry. We’re hardly ever quiet, however recently we collectively took a moment of silence to recognize the passing of an artist very important to me on a personal level: Brian Dyer, better known as Athus Nadorian.
( 1982 - 2011 ) - Photo credit: Sly
I have always been a rude and disrespectful cynical asshole when it comes to how I see things and how I deal with annoyances and frustration. I based my humor around that concept dating as far back as 1995, but somewhere along the way I encountered Athus and my life was never the same.
Twitter. Seriously. I hate it, and yet it’s something I’ve written the mostarticles about. To be honest it’s just a timesink of worthless regurgitated crap and the only practical use I can see it being utilized for is a makeshift RSS feed for people to use to keep up to date with their favorite websites which would be a great idea if RSS didn’t already exist in the first place. I don’t really care what butthole Daniel Tosh just rimmed or if Adam Savage just busted the myth of how many buttholes Daniel Tosh can lick in one minute. The fact that Kim Kardashian has almost as many followers as Barack Obama is pretty much proof that this country is fucked.
Despite all this I think I’ve found something I actually like about the service: automated script bots. Yes, the same “people” that try selling you cheap Nikes and WoW gold have also infested Twitter. Normally Twitter would nuke these bot accounts for doing nothing but spamming Viagra links but the trick here is these bots don’t spam URLs only; they’ll post a link once in a while and pad the spam with a few bizarrely generated tweets of utter nonsense. Horse_ebooks, a bot whose products I’m fairly certain revolve around electronic publications of an equestrian nature, is a scripted account of Russian origin whose “filler” tweets may actually be the thoughts of a mad man presented in real time.
I did what anyone else would do in this scenario, I took 20 of my favorite tweets and decided to half-ass an article. Below is one such example of Horse_ebook’s insanity. There are 19 more after the “More” line.
Trains and retarded people go hand in hand. Who would have thought? Read more…
I graduated with a degree in Communications from a university I’ve opted to redact the name from (you’ll see why later) with cum laude honors in May 2011. It’s a degree I hate, a degree I never plan on using, and a degree that was a mistake and now every time I look at the damn thing all I see is the phrase “I should have done this differently”. I was very apathetic toward my college education, so much that I’d frequently skip on buying textbooks and never once did I ever study or “cram” for a test. There were no late 3AM nights studying for the big biology exam or rushing to turn in an assignment because it was due in 15 minutes. I just did not give a shit. I drank Red Bull ironically, not because I had places to go and things to do… and through all of this I managed to graduate with a GPA of 3.5. Either I’m some kind of self-defeating genius, or this campus is just where people went when they couldn’t get into the colleges they dream about.
Pictured above: How I "studied" for tests.
Either way, whatever the case is I went to college and completed it. I didn’t pay attention to a damn thing I didn’t find interesting which means that for most of the classes I took I was there physically but not mentally. I took over 50 classes while enrolled, almost half of which were taken in conjunction with some form of weekly psychiatric counseling. While my Office Space approach to not giving a damn somehow worked in my favor there were still classes I took that were insurmountably worthless. Here’s six [required!!] classes I took that were utter wastes of my time and money.
I don’t talk about family much in my articles on GatorAIDS mostly because they aren’t funny (my family, not my articles you asshole). They’re mundane people who don’t really do much of anything of importance and are noticeably quieter than I am. For example, while growing up any time you opened my bedroom door you’d be blasted with the theme song to Crossfire. This was the only door in the house that was sound-activated. Similarly, the place I live now is just as loud and has led to at least five prior evictions. Like any good son I am still in contact with my family, though, and I still visit and see them and we go do family things even though everywhere I walk I’m followed by 80′s hair bands and my actions are normally accompanied by hot guitar licks and people stop and ask me for my autograph constantly because I am INTERNET FAMOUS.
A team of motivational speakers once paid a visit to my brother’s school and spoke to him and his classmates about how bullying is bad and that you should treat others with respect and all that, which is perfectly fine. Then they proceeded to break a bunch of shit that they had brought with them because they’re also a performance group. Weird, but again totally fine. Afterward they handed each kid a card that doubled as a ticket to a show they were performing in town.
EXTREME BRACES.
My brother was just visited by Team Impact and was given a pass to their show. Nobody in my family, except for me, knew what was about to happen.
)to compile a short video of clips for your utmost enjoyment. The title of this special is A Day in the Life, and it chronicles an abridged ten minutes of Ron Rondon’s Saturday afternoon. The composition of the clips was designed in such a way that it attempts to emulate the aura of spending a day with R.R. and his friends … but it hardly comes close.
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