GatorAIDS

Earlier this week I checked my mail to see if the disc for the newest season of [Hip Show for Hip People] had arrived from Netflix. Spoiler alert, it did not, but I still had mail nonetheless in the form of a suspiciously thick padded envelope. At first I thought some dang dirty trolls decided to send me Pampers samples again but when I looked at the mailer and saw it branded with American Indian imagery my thoughts immediately shifted from “regular diapers” to “tee-pees for your pee-pees”. As it turns out someone managed to get a hold of my personal information and sold it to someone else and I was now receiving IRL spam because of it… so I had to find the nearest calendar to make sure I didn’t get sent back in time to the nineties and be forced to find a way back.

The last time that happened I… well, let’s just say there’s a reason why MC Hammer suspiciously spent all of his money.

It says "Robert Maestro" under the red shit, okay?

Wait a second does that say “3 FREE GIFTS” with a “4″ written next to it as if the “3″ were a completely unintentional mistake at the St. Joseph’s Indian Free Gifts Factory? Holy shit. It does.

WELL SHIT THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

I tore this bad boy open and they must have really screwed the pooch at the Wannamakeanike tribe homeland because I got not 3, not 4, but 8 goddamn prizes (of varying quality) and I love prizes.

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I’ve been writing observational and product-based Internet comedy for far too long; it’s gotten to the point where I cannot go to a bargain store without feeling like I have to glance at the cheap toys or Mexican DVD’s because there’s a chance I’ll find something that would make a great base for an article. I only ever write articles for about 30% of the crap I buy, the rest just gets tossed out or Goodwill’d. That mentality has to change if I plan on keeping GatorAIDS relevant, current, and updated on a regular basis, though, so here’s the theme of today’s article. It’s so hilariously atrocious that all I have to do is say it and then smack down WordPress’ “More” line because I know you’ll love it. Are you ready? Here it is:

Dun, dun, DUNNNNNNN.

Counterfeit Lego. And now here’s the More line:

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Love ‘em or hate ‘em, McDonald’s is a fast food franchise that has warmed the hearts of many a child with the promises of shortbread cookies, a toy in every happy meal, and chronic constipation. From the inception of the Happy Meal in the late 1970′s McDonald’s has included a toy or other trinket in every single kid’s meal sold at their franchise. Beginning first as a series of various market tests, the Happy Meal soon became a franchise staple, and in present day still continues on as strong as ever. McDonald’s set the bar for kid’s meals at any franchise and now Burger King, Wendy’s, Jack In The Box, and everybody else has to keep up – and usually with shittier franchises too thanks to McDonald’s taking the obvious choices like Hot Wheels and Beanie Babies. Burger King generally ends up with whatever trash Viacom is hawking (Spongebob Squarepants) and Wendy’s… well, if “you know when it’s real” then you’ll also know when you get a crap toy in your kid’s meal. The only decent thing Wendy’s ever had was their set of Spyro the Dragon toys. And maybe that Six Flags Mr. Six figurine.

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If you’re this far into GatorAIDS.com and my articles you may have picked up a subtle hint that I’m a dragon fan. Actually this is still a pretty new website so maybe you haven’t been able to really read into this place yet, but regardless of that my penname is Dracophile so that has to be worth something. If I told you I didn’t have the gayest man-crush ever on Spyro the Dragon then I would be lying to you completely, and liars go to Hell. When The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon was released in 2008 a bunch of various merchandise tie-ins came out with it including a couple of theater-sized poster prints of Spyro the Dragon himself. I wanted those posters. Really bad. Various online retailers and sellers on eBay had some for sale but at the time I didn’t have the funds to acquire them.

When I finally had the disposable income I had put away specifically for “super smexy dragon posters” I found that not a whole lot of people were selling them anymore, which was depressing. I dug around and then I finally found a seller on eBay who had not only both of the posters but had them at a few bucks cheaper than I remember them being. I was floored when I checked out the listing; it seemed like everything matched up and that I was going to get those nifty Spyro prints I wanted.

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