GatorAIDS

Valentine’s Day is that special day of the year where those of us who are lucky enough to have a significant other present him/her a declaration of our undying love by means of a $5 heart-shaped box of chocolates with disgusting toothpaste-flavored filling; and for those of us who are less fortunate… well, men have Fleshlights, women have anything phallic-shaped, and both have deep feelings of self loathing and an unabashed hatred for Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is one of the worst days of the year if not THE SHITTIEST day of the year if you’re a single somebody because no other day so forcefully reminds you of your worthless solitary existence like the unofficial Public Display of Affection Olympics. All of us have something in common, though, and that something is conversation hearts.

If disease-festering chocolate seems a little too tacky of a gift for Valentine’s Day there’s always the equally if not more inept choice of Necco Sweethearts, the popular chalk candy conversation hearts that have loving (and current) sentiments like “FAX ME” written on them. It’s worth noting that in the previous sentence either the word “chalk” or “candy” should have had quotation marks added for sarcasm but I’m just as confused as you are in determining whether or not we’re dealing with candy that has the consistency of chalk or chalk that can also be eaten without too many ill effects. Either way, Necco’s happy accident is a new form of matter.

Dating as far back as 500 B.C. Sweethearts came in six flavors: Mint, an unspecified yellow fruit, spearmint, Pepto Bismol, orange (the fruit), and purple (the color). Which ones constituted as actual candy is debatable but generally people ate the white and yellow hearts and used the others to draw dinosaurs on the sidewalk. Necco decided to change all of that this year though and completely overhauled their popular candy, dropping the white hearts for blue ones, changing all of the flavors around, and in an overly publicized non-newsworthy event added “TWEET ME” to their archaic vocabulary of love. The new 2010 flavors of Necco Sweethearts are so terrible that it’s impossible they were an accident because a screw up of this magnitude is something that requires focused effort.

Here’s six reasons why Necco ruined Valentines Day this year.

Read more…

Last time on “Don’t Put That In Your Mouth” I defied my own intuition in regards to Chocolate Mix Skittles and went ahead and put them in my mouth. That was a bad move, and clearly I do not learn from my mistakes; this time around I will be putting the Jelly Belly “Bean Boozled” jelly beans to the test. Compared to Jelly Belly the Skittles are small potatoes because when Jelly Belly makes purposefully bad flavors they do it with a precision unrivaled by anybody else on the face of the Earth (keep in mind I said “on purpose” there, otherwise virtually every single candy that comes out of Mexico would be on this list – it’s not their fault they substitute sugar with chili powder, I think). I have formerly gone toe to toe with some of Jelly Belly’s off-key flavors when they had those special Harry Potter beans, and much to my horror they have seen new life as Bean Boozled beans; beans with the ability to hide amongst the good flavored beans and bite you when you least expect it. Dear God, these are V beans!!

Read more…

Skittles are a classic candy that date back quite a ways (to 1979) and have enjoyed a modest amount of success through actually not being that bad of a confectionery as well as having outright bizarre and/or terrifying ad campaigns to support their product. Seriously who hasn’t dreamed of planting a bag of Skittles into the ground in hopes that a giant rainbow would erupt from the Earth and rain candy on you? That’s seriously a wet dream for some people out there (Jared the Subway Guy, pre-Subway diet). Speaking of rainbows the fact that their slogan “Taste the Rainbow” sounds moderately homosexual is funny and I mean that in a tasteful way. Taste. Rainbow. Tasteful. Weiners. Hah. Back on subject, though, Skittles have come in a variety of flavors so awesome that I can only summarize Wild Berry by saying “holy crap I am freaking out”; and Tropical Mix is a close second. Sour Skittles are amazing, and for that short period of time when Green Apple and Watermelon were flavors I enjoyed a few extra handfuls of the candies just because. In fact as I type this article I have a few “Fun Size” bags of Skittles tucked away in my desk… even though there is nothing “fun” about a bag of candy that only has somewhere around 8 Skittles in it.

Read more…