GatorAIDS

I graduated with a degree in Communications from a university I’ve opted to redact the name from (you’ll see why later) with cum laude honors in May 2011. It’s a degree I hate, a degree I never plan on using, and a degree that was a mistake and now every time I look at the damn thing all I see is the phrase “I should have done this differently”. I was very apathetic toward my college education, so much that I’d frequently skip on buying textbooks and never once did I ever study or “cram” for a test. There were no late 3AM nights studying for the big biology exam or rushing to turn in an assignment because it was due in 15 minutes. I just did not give a shit. I drank Red Bull ironically, not because I had places to go and things to do… and through all of this I managed to graduate with a GPA of 3.5. Either I’m some kind of self-defeating genius, or this campus is just where people went when they couldn’t get into the colleges they dream about.

Pictured above: How I "studied" for tests.

Either way, whatever the case is I went to college and completed it. I didn’t pay attention to a damn thing I didn’t find interesting which means that for most of the classes I took I was there physically but not mentally. I took over 50 classes while enrolled, almost half of which were taken in conjunction with some form of weekly psychiatric counseling. While my Office Space approach to not giving a damn somehow worked in my favor there were still classes I took that were insurmountably worthless. Here’s six [required!!] classes I took that were utter wastes of my time and money.

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Last week we covered 11 craftable items Mojang should incorporate into Minecraft. Since then, Mojang has proceeded to stuff their sandbox game with a bunch of pointless shit and Markus “Notch” Persson has adopted a bizarre affinity for watching animals have sex with each other. I guess we’ll call it even. In between us doing the initial work for the first article and completing the content for today’s article the indie game developer has produced an official 1.8 release as well as a 1.9 pre-release rife with things like snowmen wearing pumpkins on their heads. It’s safe to assume these people have collectively lost their shit and that their next grand idea is going to be a tower that spits out infinite cookies.

Too late.

Regardless, here’s part two of our epic “wouldn’t it be cool if…” Minecraft series with 11 more awesome crafting recipes Mojang should use in their game!

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Some of you reading this might be subscribed to Netflix, if that’s the case then if I quote the phrase “I messed up, I owe you an explanation” you’ll know exactly what I am talking about. The DVD rental and media streaming behemoth has lately been under heavy scrutiny due to raising its prices and changing its available rental/streaming plan structure. What was once “all the DVD’s and streaming you could ever want for ten bucks” now costs — holy shit — sixteen fucking dollars. Stop the presses, this is highway robbery and Netflix is a leather-clad biker wielding a tack hammer strung onto a chain (who is also raping your girlfriend). Netflix’s decision to alter their prices has led to a shitstorm of problems culminating in the company completely severing their trademark “DVD’s in the mail” business practice and stuffing it into their new company “Qwikster”. If you believe jerk-offs like this guy with 26 Twitter followers you’d think Netflix is dead.

( 1997 - 2011 )

Please. Get over yourselves you whiny pussies. Netflix may have screwed up and dropped the ball, but crucifying them alive is no way to treat this company. Here’s five reasons why Netflix, even with the $6 price increase, is still the best deal in TV and movies, bar none.

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GatorAIDS’ first book, Nintendon’t: 25 of the Worst Video Games Ever is now on sale at Amazon.com! You can get it for Kindle or any Kindle-ready device (PC, iPad, Android, Blackberry) and you can even read chapter #25 plus the book’s preface absolutely free of charge. To sweeten the deal and stir up interest, here’s an additional sample entry: Superman for the Atari 2600!

Holy shit it's NOT Superman 64!!

Ask anybody to name you a terrible Superman game and there’s a good chance they’ll reply immediately with Superman 64, quite possibly the gold standard in terrible comic book superhero games. However, before Lex Luthor was forcing Superman to fly through rings and to carry cars while flying through even more rings – and while simultaneously forcing The Man of Steel to deal with “Kryptonite Fog” and shitty draw distances – he was blowing up a garbled mess of pixels that kind of resembled a bridge and took to the skies with his cronies on the Atari 2600 in the eponymous Superman. Superman isn’t the worst game I’ve ever played but it’s an exercise in blandness that takes little more than a lunch break to beat and offers about as much replay value as a pamphlet on gonorrhea.

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For the uninitiated or those of you who have lives outside of doing stupid shit on a computer your entire lives, Minecraft (by Mojang) is one of those games being hailed as “one of the best indie games ever released”. Minecraft is simple, painfully so, which might be the reason why it’s so popular. In a market saturated with needlessly complex BS here’s a game where you can just stack a bunch of blocks together that look like a house and let it get blasted by lightning or filled with lava by online griefers wearing giant dongs as a custom player skin. Minecraft is successful because it’s a basic game and you can do whatever you want (like Grand Theft Auto minus all the hookers and blow). The creativity is almost endless and lets you combine items and raw materials into dozens of useful tools and decorations.

Better put that block back where you got it.

We say “almost” though, because although the game is basically a “play by your own rules” open-ended adventure experience, there are a ton of things you can’t make with the raw materials provided. An entire fan-mod community exists to fill this gap, however these modifications are never part of the actual lineup of the game until Mojang picks up the idea(s) and releases them as official items. Below are 11 items conceived by the creative community at GatorCraft, their intended uses, and why they’d be kickass to have in Minecraft.

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Ever come across one of those thrift store finds that just screams out “BUY ME”? Maybe it’s a Hot Wheels car that seems a little pricey but you have a good feeling it’s worth a fortune or it’s the complete X-Files TV series on VHS but either way there’s a good chance you’ve seen something in a shop once before and immediately knew it was a good deal. I had one of those moments myself recently; I bought a Sega Saturn game console for $20.

Pictured above: One J-Note well spent?

Yeah, I totally just referred to a twenty as a “J-Note” in that picture caption. Speaking of J-Notes, I probably should have just kept it in my pants. Hilariously enough, “keeping it in your pants” is also the mantra that would have prevented me from getting banned from every alligator and snake farm in South Texas. (Required sidenote: Having said that it is also important for me to point out that I am not the father of the monster depicted in the new film Creature.)

Long story short, this $20 Saturn was a nightmare. Now that I’ve spoiled the bulk of the story you don’t have to read this article, but you can if you want to. I guess.

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The title of this article is pretty crappy and unintentionally vague. “Collectible coins” can reference a lot of things such as video game items, how you can seduce a dragon, or worthless little metallic circles usually bearing national tragedies (both domestic and presidential). Collecting coins is a respectable hobby if you know what you’re doing and if you play your cards right you can cash in your… cash… for more cash (shit was so cash). It’s common knowledge that money and things that resemble money can equal more money so it didn’t take long for companies to show up touting “commemoratives” and “legal tender” currency that only has value if you live in the Bumfuck Islands just off the coast of The People’s Sovereign Republic of Neverland. Coins can be collectible, however just like anything else that’s specifically created to be collectible these “highly collectible” coins whose producers claim will only increase in value will do anything but. Here’s seven “collectible” coins which if you purchased them means you are retarded.

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I’ve been writing observational and product-based Internet comedy for far too long; it’s gotten to the point where I cannot go to a bargain store without feeling like I have to glance at the cheap toys or Mexican DVD’s because there’s a chance I’ll find something that would make a great base for an article. I only ever write articles for about 30% of the crap I buy, the rest just gets tossed out or Goodwill’d. That mentality has to change if I plan on keeping GatorAIDS relevant, current, and updated on a regular basis, though, so here’s the theme of today’s article. It’s so hilariously atrocious that all I have to do is say it and then smack down WordPress’ “More” line because I know you’ll love it. Are you ready? Here it is:

Dun, dun, DUNNNNNNN.

Counterfeit Lego. And now here’s the More line:

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About two years ago I was a guest editor on the now defunct website VitalViper.com where I maintained the weekly humor column 3 Years, 5 Months, & 2 Days in the Life Of Dracophile (don’t worry, if you’re interested in reading these articles they’ve all been reposted here on GatorAIDS and dated accordingly). One of the articles I claimed as a WIP but never had the chance to write was this very one. I resigned from the website rather unceremoniously due to personal reasons and took most of my article WIP’s with me; this particular one has sat at the bottom of my “ideas” list since then only because its subject matter isn’t something that I felt I could portray as “funny”. The article is more somber than anything, depressing if you’re in the right frame of mind, mostly because it’s a kind of “tour” of sorts of a large mall that is basically dead, and I mean dead. Aside from a Sears there’s literally nothing inside of Sunrise Mall; it’s about as hollow as a cheerleader’s skull.

THESE DOLPHINS ARE HOMELESS.

With that said I’ll still do my best to present this tour of a living-dead mall in a humorous light, though it’s kind of hard to do so when you’re explaining how grand a place where you spent your childhood used to be.

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If there was a stock market for disgusting practical jokes (stock symbol: TURD) then the market was at its highest during the opening of the world’s first public restroom. A public restroom is the only place where you can pull your pants down and whip out your dong without fear of being labeled as a sex offender* and studies have shown that humans are at their most vulnerable when they are taking a dump (Zombieland, et al.). When someone storms into a bathroom seeking desperate relief this moment is the RPG-equivalent of a critical hit chance and is the perfect moment to pull a mind-blowing prank on them.

See? It's rule #3 just behind "stay in shape" and "shoot twice".

Here are six pranks you can pull in a bathroom to prey upon a random stranger when they’re at their most vulnerable. These aren’t your grandmother’s “fake wet floor” sign pranks, either, these are pranks that if executed properly will cause people to avert their eyes in disgust or cock their heads in total mindfuck. Each prank is rated on the following criteria: Cost (for materials), Time (to execute), Punishment (if you’re caught), and overall Difficulty.

*Note: Despite the fact that you can legally pull down your pants in a public restroom there are still things you can do in said bathroom to obtain this label. Please use direction when handling your No-No.

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