Gator Bites officially debuts on GatorAIDS today! (Our “spooky house” episode was a teaser.) CFMM is late to present a Valentine’s Day special but that’s only because conversation hearts do not go on sale until the 15th. Tardiness is required, and in this episode CFMM samples 9 varieties of heart candies from five different companies and reports back with the results (spoiler alert: they’re bad).
This is our debut episode so it’s a little longer than we’d have liked to make it; it’s 38 minutes long. Future episodes will be less than half of that.
CFMM takes you inside the house where GatorAIDS’ new series Gator Bites is being filmed and provides a simple tour of the property, pointing out the various nuances of 1950′s decor and design while toying with the analog timer clock on the house’s oven. The majority of the show will be shot in the “taping room” mentioned in the tour, the rest of the house will go largely unused with the exception of one-off cutaways and brief intermissions.
This isn’t the actual structure of Gator Bites nor will it be a sketch comedy or Ghost Hunters parody of any sort. It’s more of a sit-down comedy with crappy toys and bad candy.
Although the competition today is a shell of its former glory, at one point in time BattleBots was sitting pretty as one of the highest rated series on television and touted a five-season show, seven officially sanctioned events in the span of 4 years, two video games (that were terrible), and an entire line of merchandising ranging from wind-up toys to keychains to radio controlled replicas of popular contenders. BattleBots was IT. It was the “in thing” to do, and it honestly was something that was only possible at the turn of the millennium; it was the pinnacle of technological and mechanical advancement and entertainment, the first completely contained (sort of) bloodsport. Megarace envisioned.
Spoiler: The one flying through the air lost.
In the five seasons of BattleBots aired on Comedy Central there were a number of fights showcased that were laughably and ridiculously in favor of one of the competitors for a myriad of reasons. Maybe their opponent was built out of tin foil. Maybe they were broken from a previous fight. Whatever the reason in between nail-biting back and forth bouts between the series’ heavy-hitters there were always some fights in the mix that stuck out like a sore thumb. These are the seven most one-sided battles in the [televised] history of the sport.
As we prepare to enter the eighth generation of gaming consoles with a waning economy and a previous generation built almost entirely around motion controls and shitty gimmicks it’s arguable, depending on how you see a half-glass of water, that the video game market is doomed to crash again. In 1983 the market for video games became inundated with loads of worthless crap and consumers literally gave up on caring. After letdown after letdown from Atari due to the likes of E.T. and their Pac-Man port alongside the dubious quality and massive quantities of competitor consoles and shady third-party software consumers just said “to hell with it” and Atari ended up burying their trash in a New Mexico landfill.
Not pictured: Kinect, PS Move, 95% of the games for the Wii.
Having to cower away and bury your trash in the ground is about as ultimately defeated as you can get. Nobody even does that anymore these days, but they should (on principle, we can be less environmentally destructive than that today). What’s so different about Americans from the 80′s compared to today that prevents them from saying “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore“? Why is it that something as deceptively simple as a small handful of trashy games from a leading video game company can cause a market crash in the eighties yet in today’s world Nintendo has free rein to greenlight more trashy shovelware than we have trucks to carry it all to an unsuspecting landfill? WHY?
The Wii may be the gold standard in ninth-rate garbage “video games” but their portfolio of shame is nothing compared to these five current business practices that are destroying the market and in some abstract form have got to be some kind of illegal.
2011 was a pretty big year for GatorAIDS. First and foremost the site was forced to re-open on June 1 after I was laid off from my job with Miniclip SA. Not long thereafter we were able to bloom into a community that I am pleased to say is still more alive than ever today in this, the final year of the world as we know it. Immediately following the layoff GatorAIDS was needlessly attacked by a handful of retards from Miniclip’s community which caused us to become ineligible to use Google AdSense as well as having false DMCA violation reports to be filed to Jelsoft, who provides our forum software, resulting in our site globally being down for a few days pending an explanation of the misunderstanding.
"From Miniclip with love."
And through all of this we are still alive today as a testament to just how resilient a group of old friends can be when banded together. We came forward and put on a live performance (CFMM: In 3D). We released a book (Nintendon’t). We were featured on industry-leading gaming blogs (Bitmob). I would like to extend a personal “fuck you” to each and every person who attempted to put us down and assume that we would stay there like beaten dogs. We are more than that, and despite adverse launch conditions we laughed with one another and produced dozens of memorable articles to share with the world. We are GatorAIDS, and we are here to stay.
We’re looking forward to 2012 with open minds and eager hearts. We’ve had six months to get our things together and we’re ready to go balls-out this year. In the meantime, here’s the best of what we produced in 2011. If you’re new to GatorAIDS or looking to share our site with your friends & family this update is the place to start!
WARNING: This article contains suggestive images and/or pictures of sex toys. The images are not explicitly pornographic but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.
Ask anybody what the best part of Christmas is and they will unanimously tell you “the presents”. Yes, there is nothing quite like getting a bunch of boxes of either completely useless items or something incredibly awesome. Most people are pretty easy to shop for. Kids, for example, will eat up anything (literally) with small parts or dinosaurs. All dads like socks and ties, all moms want a Snuggie, guidos want spray tan (yes even in December), and drug addicts want their next hit.
But what about furries?
ScotchGuard. Lots... and lots... of ScotchGuard.
Furries can be notoriously hard to shop for. After all, what exactly are you supposed to get someone whose hobbies include masturbating to The Secret of Nimh and dressing up like a fox? DVD’s, art supplies, and comic books? Joke’s on you because they probably already have all that. If you’re shopping for a furry then you have to think creatively and outside of the box. It is a medical fact that all furries are clinically insane, so here’s five Christmas gift ideas (poorly timed and posted on December 25th), that you can take to heart for the special furfag in your life.
When “Pocket Monsters” was created by Japanese game designer Satoshi Tajiri in 1996 it was nothing more than a way for the designer to relive his childhood pastime of insect collecting and share it with the residents of his homeland. For all the options available in the original games it was still quite a linear adventure, and a simplistic one at that. Neophyte game developer Game Freak (directed by Tajiri) set out to produce the original two installments Red and Green, which became such a hit that Blue was also released. Never before had Game Freak produced a game so intricate and detailed, and mistakes were made to say the least. Programming oversights, data omissions, and lack of a proper error handling system eventually led to trainers getting lost in places that looked like this:
WHERE WE'RE GOING WE DON'T NEED EYES TO SEE.
Due to a lack of attention to finite details in their programming work, which is forgivable considering the sheer magnitude of their creation and this being their first time taking on such a venture, both the Japanese and North American releases of the original Pokemon games were riddled with glitches ranging from mildly amusing to downright terrifying. Here’s seven demons Game Freak unintentionally brought upon the world with their magnum opus.
WARNING: This article contains pornographic images. The images have been censored but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.
If you’ve wasted any amount of time reading troll blogs or snark sites like Encyclopedia Dramatica you’ve probably come across the metaphor “[x] is about as retarded/insane as Chris-chan”. If you’ve wasted enough time then you know exactly who Chris-chan is. For those of you who don’t, I’ll introduce you to him. I apologize in advance.
Finding "the best" picture of Chris for the article opener was hard to do. Also yes, that's a diaper.
“Christian” Christopher “Ricardo” Weston Chandler (yes that is his full name), abbreviated by the subject as “CWC” and colloquially known as “Chris-chan” by trolls, is an unwitting Internet personality born on February 24th, 1982. He lives in Ruckersville, Virginia with his mother in a house that looks like something straight out of an episode of Hoarders 2: Hoard Harder (and according to trolls the Chandlers have been approached by A&E not once but twice to try and tape an episode of their show there) and is an autisic and self-absorbed, delusional manchild who mooches over $800 per month off of the government in disability benefits because he refuses to make any effort whatsoever to become a functioning member of society. Because he lives with his mother in a house that’s been paid off his monthly disability check is pure income… which goes straight to video games, McDonald’s, and blow-up anime sex dolls.
His “claim to fame” was an independent comic book called Sonichu, a story that originally focused on his dubiously original character of obvious shipping origin. Chris fancies himself a classy and talented artist and storyteller, which couldn’t be further from the point; his artwork looks like something a five year old would make and his storytelling ability hovers somewhere around “nonexistent”. Due to his obviously apparent mental inhibitions he’s what amounts to a kid trapped inside the body of a man, which sounds like the next shitty Adam Sandler film until you realize this is real life and not a second-rate movie starring an SNL alum far past his prime. Chris-chan has adult thoughts and desires and he’s expressed them through his artwork on a number of occasions. This article explores the six most fucked up things ushered forth into the world by his hand.
Here at GatorAIDS we focus a lot on the awful things in life from a cynical standpoint that paints them hilarious. We make fun of a lot of people, places, and products — all at their expense. Yeah, some of it is in good faith (when it’s not deserved ridicule) but overall we tend to broadcast an air of flamboyant disregard for the status quo. That’s why it’s always weird when we take a step back and have a “sit down” article with you all. It’s not our usual image. We’re loud, we’re generally angry. We’re hardly ever quiet, however recently we collectively took a moment of silence to recognize the passing of an artist very important to me on a personal level: Brian Dyer, better known as Athus Nadorian.
( 1982 - 2011 ) - Photo credit: Sly
I have always been a rude and disrespectful cynical asshole when it comes to how I see things and how I deal with annoyances and frustration. I based my humor around that concept dating as far back as 1995, but somewhere along the way I encountered Athus and my life was never the same.
I graduated with a degree in Communications from a university I’ve opted to redact the name from (you’ll see why later) with cum laude honors in May 2011. It’s a degree I hate, a degree I never plan on using, and a degree that was a mistake and now every time I look at the damn thing all I see is the phrase “I should have done this differently”. I was very apathetic toward my college education, so much that I’d frequently skip on buying textbooks and never once did I ever study or “cram” for a test. There were no late 3AM nights studying for the big biology exam or rushing to turn in an assignment because it was due in 15 minutes. I just did not give a shit. I drank Red Bull ironically, not because I had places to go and things to do… and through all of this I managed to graduate with a GPA of 3.5. Either I’m some kind of self-defeating genius, or this campus is just where people went when they couldn’t get into the colleges they dream about.
Pictured above: How I "studied" for tests.
Either way, whatever the case is I went to college and completed it. I didn’t pay attention to a damn thing I didn’t find interesting which means that for most of the classes I took I was there physically but not mentally. I took over 50 classes while enrolled, almost half of which were taken in conjunction with some form of weekly psychiatric counseling. While my Office Space approach to not giving a damn somehow worked in my favor there were still classes I took that were insurmountably worthless. Here’s six [required!!] classes I took that were utter wastes of my time and money.
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