Payton Talks About the Fifth Gen Pokemon
nightmare.png is the actual name of this file.
I’m a big Pokemon guy. Most of the space on my computer desk is used up by small Pokemon figurines I’ve collected over the years. Hell, I managed to play seventeen hours worth of Pokemon Heart Gold in one day, I’m just that cool. When I got the news that the Pokemon Company had started working on the fifth generation games a couple months ago, I was excited, and truly hoped that these upcoming games would blow my mind, and be the breath of fresh air that the series needs.
Well folks, it looks like that won’t be a reality.
The Starter Pokemon
The image I put at the top of this post (which is accurately named nightmare.png) is, as you might have guessed, the starter Pokemon for these new games (which go by the names Pokemon White and Pokemon Black, by the way). From left to right, their names are Tsutaja, Pokabu, and Mijumaru.
TSUTAJA: This Pokemon most resembles Treecko, from the third generation games. Treecko was a pretty awesome Pokemon; Tsutaja, on the other hand, looks like shit. Those big, beady eyes keep staring into your soul, reading all of your innermost secrets, making your body go cold and numb. You start to grow tired. Shit, don’t fall asleep… And then you wake up. The evil Grass-Snake Pokemon cut all of your skin off! Wait a minute, it’s supposed to resemble a snake? Why the fuck does it have legs, then? More importantly, where did it go and what’s it doing with my skin? If this is anything like Silence Of The Lambs, then I imagine Tsutaja will be making a big Metapod shell out of my skin, so it can be born again and hopefully be a better Pokemon. Like Treecko. Or maybe even Magikarp.
POKABU: If any Pokemon games ever let you slaughter Pokemon for food, I think I’ll start breeding lots of Pokabu so I can have the largest and most popular bacon company on GameFAQs’ Pokemon Corporate America board. That’s really the only thing I can think this specific monster would be good for – that, and evolving into a mix of Venusaur and Charizard. Judging by what we currently know about Pokabu, though, it probably won’t have any super special awesome evolutions. It’s a pig for god’s sake. You can’t do much with a pig – but you can with a dragon, or whatever Cyndaquil is.
MIJUMARU: D’AWW MIJUMARU IS SO DESU KAWAII HURR DURR I’LL CHOSE THAT ONE.
The OMFG LEGENDARIES
These games have already shown us four new OMFG LEGENDARIES that will be available for the catchan and battlan. Sadly, there only one of the monsters actually looks promising.
ZORUA: Zorua is likely going to get the most pornographic images drawn of it because it’s just so fucking kawaii. In fact, I’m pretty someone’s already called Rule 34 on it. Let me check… Yep. It exists.
ZOROARK: Zoroark is the evolved form of the previous mentioned Zorua, so it’ll have some porn drawn of it, too. In fact, I’m pretty sure it already exists. Let me check… Yep. It exists.
RESHIRAM: Reshiram is the cover of Pokemon Black, despite being white. It looks like the kind of dragon Jesus would ride back to earth.
ZEKROM: HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU SEEN THIS POKEMON? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FUCKING POKEMON? GO TO SEREBII NOW AND LOOK. HURRY THE FUCK UP. THIS GUY WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT SO FAR INTO THE WALL YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU’LL BECOME FUCKING BLIND.
Until Next Time
Well folks I’m far too lazy to do anything else with this article, but as more stuff comes out about Pokemon Black and White, I’ll be sure to make fun of it. Until then!
-Payton
