GatorAIDS

Earlier this week I checked my mail to see if the disc for the newest season of [Hip Show for Hip People] had arrived from Netflix. Spoiler alert, it did not, but I still had mail nonetheless in the form of a suspiciously thick padded envelope. At first I thought some dang dirty trolls decided to send me Pampers samples again but when I looked at the mailer and saw it branded with American Indian imagery my thoughts immediately shifted from “regular diapers” to “tee-pees for your pee-pees”. As it turns out someone managed to get a hold of my personal information and sold it to someone else and I was now receiving IRL spam because of it… so I had to find the nearest calendar to make sure I didn’t get sent back in time to the nineties and be forced to find a way back.

The last time that happened I… well, let’s just say there’s a reason why MC Hammer suspiciously spent all of his money.

It says "Robert Maestro" under the red shit, okay?

Wait a second does that say “3 FREE GIFTS” with a “4″ written next to it as if the “3″ were a completely unintentional mistake at the St. Joseph’s Indian Free Gifts Factory? Holy shit. It does.

WELL SHIT THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

I tore this bad boy open and they must have really screwed the pooch at the Wannamakeanike tribe homeland because I got not 3, not 4, but 8 goddamn prizes (of varying quality) and I love prizes.

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2011 was a pretty big year for GatorAIDS. First and foremost the site was forced to re-open on June 1 after I was laid off from my job with Miniclip SA. Not long thereafter we were able to bloom into a community that I am pleased to say is still more alive than ever today in this, the final year of the world as we know it. Immediately following the layoff GatorAIDS was needlessly attacked by a handful of retards from Miniclip’s community which caused us to become ineligible to use Google AdSense as well as having false DMCA violation reports to be filed to Jelsoft, who provides our forum software, resulting in our site globally being down for a few days pending an explanation of the misunderstanding.

"From Miniclip with love."

And through all of this we are still alive today as a testament to just how resilient a group of old friends can be when banded together. We came forward and put on a live performance (CFMM: In 3D). We released a book (Nintendon’t). We were featured on industry-leading gaming blogs (Bitmob). I would like to extend a personal “fuck you” to each and every person who attempted to put us down and assume that we would stay there like beaten dogs. We are more than that, and despite adverse launch conditions we laughed with one another and produced dozens of memorable articles to share with the world. We are GatorAIDS, and we are here to stay.

We’re looking forward to 2012 with open minds and eager hearts. We’ve had six months to get our things together and we’re ready to go balls-out this year. In the meantime, here’s the best of what we produced in 2011. If you’re new to GatorAIDS or looking to share our site with your friends & family this update is the place to start!

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Merry Christmas from me and everyone at GatorAIDS. Or whatever. Surely that’s what I’m supposed to say on an update that goes up December 25th.

Proving that we exist solely to do nothing more than rip on Miniclip I’ll start this brief introduction off by pointing out that Miniclip’s mascot, a caricature of the CEO they affectionately call “Big Rob”, is the scariest fucking mascot in the history of global marketing. Seriously, just look at their fucking Christmas video. I bet you squirted a little in your pants, and not in a sexual way. That THING is horrifying. How a custom costume like that can be produced and not one person going “well now this is just pants-shittingly terrifying” boggles my fucking mind.

That voice. That… FACE. Big Rob rivals the kinds of crazy shit seen in Japanese horror films and surely once Miniclip has had enough of GatorAIDS collectively bashing them that creepy blood-soaked grin on Big Rob’s face will be the last thing me, Dracophile, Payton, or anyone else will ever see.

So, in true Christmas spirit I stole Miniclip’s Christmas video and remixed it into Roastmaster’s X-Mas Special. Enjoy the nightmare.

- Roastmaster

WARNING: This article contains suggestive images and/or pictures of sex toys. The images are not explicitly pornographic but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.

Ask anybody what the best part of Christmas is and they will unanimously tell you “the presents”. Yes, there is nothing quite like getting a bunch of boxes of either completely useless items or something incredibly awesome. Most people are pretty easy to shop for. Kids, for example, will eat up anything (literally) with small parts or dinosaurs. All dads like socks and ties, all moms want a Snuggie, guidos want spray tan (yes even in December), and drug addicts want their next hit.

But what about furries?

ScotchGuard. Lots... and lots... of ScotchGuard.

Furries can be notoriously hard to shop for. After all, what exactly are you supposed to get someone whose hobbies include masturbating to The Secret of Nimh and dressing up like a fox? DVD’s, art supplies, and comic books? Joke’s on you because they probably already have all that. If you’re shopping for a furry then you have to think creatively and outside of the box. It is a medical fact that all furries are clinically insane, so here’s five Christmas gift ideas (poorly timed and posted on December 25th), that you can take to heart for the special furfag in your life.

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Every once in a while an actor emerges onto the scene whose performances and roles capture our hearts and bind to the very essence of our souls. GatorAIDS columnist and founder Dracophile, for example, really has a hard-on for Bruce Willis (which I assume was replaced with Sean Connery after his role in Dragonheart) and Payton, our forum administrator, more than likely swears his life to the mannerisms of shit like Cheech & Chong and Pineapple Express. I don’t know who our other staff members have boners for; I want to say Shoe of All Cosmos has the hots for Jaleel White but I’m not 100% on that. Point is, everybody has a favorite actor whether you’re a soccer mom who loves the wholesome vagina-drying antics of Tom Hanks or some trendy hipster who’s favorite actor is so underground he’s Chinese, and I’m no different. My favorite actor is none other than the legendary Edmund K. Lo.

Addendum: He's not Chinese, I am not a hipster.

Never heard of Edmund K. Lo before? That’s because he’s had a grand total of zero legitimate acting roles, but don’t say that to him because he’ll have you believe he starred in everything from Kids Incorporated to Titanic. Yeah, that fucking James Cameron movie. Lo is not my favorite actor because of his Oscar-deserving (and invisible) role in High School Musical 2; Lo is my favorite actor because of his ongoing role in the pseudo-documentary Edmund K. Lo: I Am a Real Actor You Guys, Seriously.

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When “Pocket Monsters” was created by Japanese game designer Satoshi Tajiri in 1996 it was nothing more than a way for the designer to relive his childhood pastime of insect collecting and share it with the residents of his homeland. For all the options available in the original games it was still quite a linear adventure, and a simplistic one at that. Neophyte game developer Game Freak (directed by Tajiri) set out to produce the original two installments Red and Green, which became such a hit that Blue was also released. Never before had Game Freak produced a game so intricate and detailed, and mistakes were made to say the least. Programming oversights, data omissions, and lack of a proper error handling system eventually led to trainers getting lost in places that looked like this:

WHERE WE'RE GOING WE DON'T NEED EYES TO SEE.

Due to a lack of attention to finite details in their programming work, which is forgivable considering the sheer magnitude of their creation and this being their first time taking on such a venture, both the Japanese and North American releases of the original Pokemon games were riddled with glitches ranging from mildly amusing to downright terrifying. Here’s seven demons Game Freak unintentionally brought upon the world with their magnum opus.

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WARNING: This article contains pornographic images. The images have been censored but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.

If you’ve wasted any amount of time reading troll blogs or snark sites like Encyclopedia Dramatica you’ve probably come across the metaphor “[x] is about as retarded/insane as Chris-chan”. If you’ve wasted enough time then you know exactly who Chris-chan is. For those of you who don’t, I’ll introduce you to him. I apologize in advance.

Finding "the best" picture of Chris for the article opener was hard to do. Also yes, that's a diaper.

“Christian” Christopher “Ricardo” Weston Chandler (yes that is his full name), abbreviated by the subject as “CWC” and colloquially known as “Chris-chan” by trolls, is an unwitting Internet personality born on February 24th, 1982. He lives in Ruckersville, Virginia with his mother in a house that looks like something straight out of an episode of Hoarders 2: Hoard Harder (and according to trolls the Chandlers have been approached by A&E not once but twice to try and tape an episode of their show there) and is an autisic and self-absorbed, delusional manchild who mooches over $800 per month off of the government in disability benefits because he refuses to make any effort whatsoever to become a functioning member of society. Because he lives with his mother in a house that’s been paid off his monthly disability check is pure income… which goes straight to video games, McDonald’s, and blow-up anime sex dolls.

His “claim to fame” was an independent comic book called Sonichu, a story that originally focused on his dubiously original character of obvious shipping origin. Chris fancies himself a classy and talented artist and storyteller, which couldn’t be further from the point; his artwork looks like something a five year old would make and his storytelling ability hovers somewhere around “nonexistent”. Due to his obviously apparent mental inhibitions he’s what amounts to a kid trapped inside the body of a man, which sounds like the next shitty Adam Sandler film until you realize this is real life and not a second-rate movie starring an SNL alum far past his prime. Chris-chan has adult thoughts and desires and he’s expressed them through his artwork on a number of occasions. This article explores the six most fucked up things ushered forth into the world by his hand.

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GatorAIDS has been lacking in new content for over a month now, so I’ve taken it upon myself (you’re welcome )to compile a short video of clips for your utmost enjoyment. The title of this special is A Day in the Life, and it chronicles an abridged ten minutes of Ron Rondon’s Saturday afternoon. The composition of the clips was designed in such a way that it attempts to emulate the aura of spending a day with R.R. and his friends … but it hardly comes close.

-P

I can see from the WordPress administrator panel that Dracophile has at least four recent drafts, none of them edited since the morning of October 13th, a day where the website was closed and when it re-opened this article was posted. I don’t know how to properly console people, and even though I peppered in some jokes to the memorial article (while it was being written) the question is still asked, “Is it okay for us to laugh again?” I can’t tell you when Dracophile will be back to finish any of his drafts, last I heard from him he was having sleep issues and still trying to collect himself from the news, but I can answer the question on everybody’s minds:

Yes, it is okay to laugh again.

At the end of last month I penned an article that took a look at 20 of the most insane things to ever come from the mouth of @Horse_ebooks, a Twitter robot that padded its spam links with the most bizarre and nonsensical crap anybody has ever heard so their equine ebook pyramid scheme wouldn’t get picked up on Twitter’s radar. Reading @Horse_ebooks’ tweets is like reading spam email subject lines that were translated from English to Japanese and back and written by a retarded kid. I presented you with 20 of the weirdest that I could find, you asked for more, so here’s another serving of crazy. The first is below, click “More” to see another 19.

What kind of threat is this? A wife scolding her redneck husband for getting drunk and blowing their pension on shit from these people?

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Here at GatorAIDS we focus a lot on the awful things in life from a cynical standpoint that paints them hilarious. We make fun of a lot of people, places, and products — all at their expense. Yeah, some of it is in good faith (when it’s not deserved ridicule) but overall we tend to broadcast an air of flamboyant disregard for the status quo. That’s why it’s always weird when we take a step back and have a “sit down” article with you all. It’s not our usual image. We’re loud, we’re generally angry. We’re hardly ever quiet, however recently we collectively took a moment of silence to recognize the passing of an artist very important to me on a personal level: Brian Dyer, better known as Athus Nadorian.

( 1982 - 2011 ) - Photo credit: Sly

I have always been a rude and disrespectful cynical asshole when it comes to how I see things and how I deal with annoyances and frustration. I based my humor around that concept dating as far back as 1995, but somewhere along the way I encountered Athus and my life was never the same.

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